How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? – Maria Williams

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BIO: My name is Maria Williams. I am married to a wonderful man.  I have three beautiful daughters. I tried to work in Social Work but there were too many triggers for me.  I did work with children in preschool as a teacher.  I love sunrises and sunsets.

 

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ADOPTED?

My Adoption Story

 I was adopted when I was seven years old.  My adopted parents had gotten me as a foster child when I was 16 months and 16 days old.  (The day turned out to be my biological brother’s 3rd birthday.)  Funny I guess how things work out sometimes.

As a child I was very lonely.

I was raised as an only child and my adoptive parents were older.  I truly never fit in any where.  Not with my adoptive family (except for my adoptive dad).  That is for another story.

I had some physical problems especially since I did not walk until I was past 2 years old.  It seemed to me that I was always mad fun of as a child.  Never any good at any sports and then some of the other kids found out I was adopted. Then they really started making fun about that. They made comments, least their parents kept them and wanted them. Always making me wonder what was wrong with me even more than I already did.

What did I do that was so horrible as a baby that my own Mother did not ever want me.

My adoptive parents tried to make me feel special especially on the day I was adopted.  It was like an added birthday or Christmas.  How they wanted Me and took Me in.  Well I guess it took some time for the reality of the fact that they had a child that was legally theirs and the new rubbed off as some would say.  Then the true reality set in.  The way I see it, my adoptive mom could tell that I was not going to fit her special mold she had in her mind.  She wanted a carbon copy of her and as hard as I tried at first I could not be that person.  Also, being reminded that I needed to be grateful for being adopted and that was done more times than I can count by more family and friends of my adoptive mom.

Then I was also reminded how awful my biological mother was for leaving me in foster care and only seeing me one time.  I was already wondering what I had done to make her not want me and this just added to this so much more.

Not only did I not fit in I was never good enough for my adoptive mom.  And that was in the way I looked, acted and with my grades. She even introduced me as her “adopted daughter”.  It was like see what I did.  She never saw anything wrong with even when people would ask her why she did it.

Not knowing my medical history did not really bother me until I was in college and I had a kidney infection.  When I went to a different doctor and he asked if kidney problems ran in the family.  I automatically answered “NO”.  The friend that was with me reminded me that the doctor was not referring to my adoptive family. The doctor told me that I needed to have medical information and that it was extremely important.  I went home and asked my adoptive mom and she said she did not know anything.  To my surprise she was not even interested in discussing the subject with me.  I really did not know what to think.

I contacted someone I had met in grade school that said she was from my biological family.  She looked into it for me and found out that kidney infections did run on my biological mother’s side of the family.

I was in no way ready to make any contact with my biological mother.  Way too many negative emotions involved at the time. Dealing with my feelings about my biological mother at this time was not a good thing.  I had no one to talk to.  I was brought up that you did not tell people your problems or your feelings because no one gives a damn.

I had decided to go into Social Work so I could help people.  Well my idea of helping people and the agency I was working for (which was also the one I was adopted through) were on different ends of the spectrum. I was told that I would never find anything about my case if that was the reason I was there.  It was locked up in the director’s office. I answered truthfully.  At the time I was not looking.

Well God has a great sense of humor.

He proved it to me about eighteen months later.

At the time I was helping out in the office with filing and opening new cases.  Well at the agency at the time had an index card file on every case.  Well on Friday as was my routine I began to file the cards for that week. Well all of a sudden there was my case card staring at me.  I finished my filing and went back and read my card. I found out that I had two sisters and a brother all older than me that I did not know about.  That my parents had been married at the time of my birth.  Also that they divorced.  I also discovered that my birth mother had kept my sisters and brother.  They did live in an orphanage for a little over six years.

The emotions were all mixed up inside me. 

Happy to find out that I had siblings, but that old feeling of why was I not good enough resurfaced stronger than ever. The first person I talked to from my biological family was my oldest sister.  At the time she was so happy to hear from me and could not wait to see me in person.  We met that day.  I thought I was starting to feel like I finally belonged somewhere.  As soon as my maternal grandmother found out that I had contacted family she wanted a family reunion.  I learned quickly that when she wanted something done, it was done immediately.  I was still not sure about meeting my birth mother, but what to be was to be.  I met my birth mother, my other sister, my brother and his wife, my grandmother, two aunts and my nieces.

When my birth mother and I were finally alone I did not wait.  I wanted answers to why and what happened.  Well to my total surprise she told me it was her life and her decisions and it did not affect my life in the least. I was quick to inform her that if I had not looked like her so much and had my brother and I met we could have decided we wanted to marry.  How would have felt when she had to tell us we could not because we where brother and sister.  She was not impressed and did not appreciate my wanting information.  Especially information on my birth father who was her first husband.

Another subject I was told was none of my business.  To stay away from him at all cost.  I have never been one to be told to stay away from something or leave it alone if I thought I needed to know about it.  All of my immediate birth family had had the opportunity to make their own decisions on the matter. Why shouldn’t I?  This is something I seem to not be able to get other people to understand.

When I finally told my adoptive mom and dad my adoptive mom was so furious.  I knew it was not going to go over well with her.  When I talked to my dad he said he was happy that I had found them.  There was a hurt in his eyes I will never forget though. Then when my adoptive mom started naming off my siblings names that she had told me before she did not know anything about my family.  I was thrown into a situation I was not even prepared for.  I had never expected her to lie to me about something like this to me.  I felt like I had been betrayed in away that I could not explain or even dream of.

I moved out of my parents home shortly after that. There was just too much stress and something had to give.  And it was me.  It was the best thing I could have done.  I still love(d) my parents but I needed to be on my own.

I got to know my sisters even though we did not live close to each other.  (Looking back I can see that I pushed way hard to “fit” in the family.)  I was doing this all on my own. If there was help out there at the time I did not know about it.

There were times I felt like I was starting to “fit in” with my family and then there were times I just knew I was just looking in a window of sorts.  It hurt back then and still does to this day.

There have been many ups and downs in my life as an adoptee.  It wasn’t to much later in my life that I finally got medical history information that I should have had that would have helped along the way.

As for as my original birth certificate I finally received that just a couple of years ago.  I had been told at one point in my life that I would never see a copy of it.  Well I got the last laugh. The governor in the state I was born in and adopted in signed into law that adoptees could receive original birth certificate (not certified).  When I finally received my copy I sat and cried before I opened it.  It states on the copy it is not a certified copy because as far as the government I was never “born”.

Well how can that be because I am here and I am writing this. 

Makes no sense to me at all.

Maria Williams

Please Follow Maria’s Blog: Finding Life After Adoption

Adult Adoptee

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