How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? – Marc

strengthBIO: I am 48 years old and grew up in western Canada. I currently work in the field of front line healthcare.  I grew up in a very loving household and have an adopted brother as well from a different birth family.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ADOPTED?

Jutta,

I am beginning this letter not knowing what is going to come out of me.  It is being written knowing that I have been deeply hurt and my life affected by your decisions.  I have read numerous articles where the person who was put up for adoption professes their love and appreciation for having been put up for adoption.  Obviously they don’t seem to feel or have not reacted or been affected as I have.  Numerous articles I have read also show a deep and very real hurting and pain that has been thrust upon these people because of being put up for adoption.  I am definitely feeling the latter of these situations.

I have not really had any real desire to find out who you were.  My parents are my parents.  I was told about you, the fact I was rejected and put up for adoption, as soon as I was able to understand what that was.  Somewhere inside me was always a festering and without my even realizing it until everything blew up in my face.  A lonely and feeling of deep loss and an unwillingness to allow many to become close to me. A fear of intimacy and an unwillingness to be helped and only fend for myself.

The day came along that I submitted paperwork to attempt to find you, thinking I should at least know something more of my medical history.  And within the week I received a call from the adoption reunion registry that they had found you.  I recall the flood of mixed emotions which came over me at that time.  My thoughts about it tossed between happiness and confusion, scared and excited.  I never expected it to happen and, now that it did, I didn’t know if I wanted it to continue.

When we met for the first time there was no rush of love or joy for you.  I, instead, recall a feeling at the time I could not describe, but which I now believe to have been a reawakening of old losses and a feeling of abandonment.  A feeling of you being the cause of my lack of being able to be vulnerable and after which has some to interfere in my present life and relationships.

Over the following 4 years these did fade to some degree.  I got to know you a little, met your husband and my half brother and half sister.  I did begin to feel a closeness and an acceptance by you.  And then you called that night.  I don’t even know where to start or how to begin describing the moment.

Shock, crushed, rejection, betrayal, and abandoned again.

I’m not sure what is going on.  What happened?  What prompted you to make that call?  I will never know, but what you said to me will never be forgotten.

 “I want nothing more to do with you.”  

Can you even fathom how that has made me feel?  

What impact that has had on my life?  

Were the past 4 years just a ruse?

 Why did you ever bother to agree to meet me in the first place?

Now along with dealing with the abandonment issues placed upon me when you first rejected me I have to, again, struggle to deal with and figure out the issues associated with my being abandoned twice.  My fear of abandonment has interfered with my relationship with my wife.  I have tended towards self defeating behaviors that sabotage my love life.  Feelings of emotional detachment, difficulty feeling the affection offered by my wife, “pushing them away,” problems you have caused me, nothing but problems.

I wish we had never met or found each other.  I will never understand.  I don’t know how this is going to affect the rest of my life.  I do know that I now more completely understand myself and what I want from my life and what I want to create with my wife and family.

Marc

Adult Adoptee

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6 thoughts on “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? – Marc

  1. I can totally relate to your story, Marc. What you said about reawakening old losses and abandonment, and your negative behaviours towards your wife ring so true for me too (and many others, I know). I’m in the same boat as you when it comes to not knowing how these revelations will affect the rest of my life. I don’t understand the issues that adoption raises – you feel as if you have a grasp of things, and then it slips away. I want to say that you will understand in time, and be able to make sense of all this. but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I think we must learn to live in a state of instability, but find ways to thrive on that instability and not let it hurt us. Hugs to you and your family, Marc. Your words are brave and strong and will heal you. You are learning to heal yourself just as you help to heal others. You were brave to initiate the search, never forget that. And it took courage to write this letter and even more to share it with the world – and this will help you to find peace and healing. It might sound cliche and trite, but you’ll come out of this stronger and with more empathy and love, also for yourself. Never forget to love yourself! You deserve love and wholeness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am holding back tears for you. I can imagine the pain you are in. Don’t let the the wound fester and poison your current family. Adoption has taken enough from you. I wish I could give you a hug. Your bio mom doesnt deserve you. But love is only felt in that area of feeling vulnerable. Being vulnerable is precious around those who truly love you and whom you trust. God bless you, fellow adoptee. Ive found that expecting pain and disappointment make life easier to endure and even embrace and enjoy. Like… going *though* labor to have your own child. Anyhow, i pray over you for soul and heart healing. There are better and happier things in store for you, brother. Sending you some of my inner peace~

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how you feel and feel your pain. I have finally found my entire birth family , thanks to the wonderful lady that runs this page, Pam. 💕 The way i look at it is that they don’t know me. They know each other. All the years of searching. I don’t know why It didnt occur to me that they may not be as overjoyed to have a Sister as i was to have everyone or anyone. So with my bio mothers side it was immediate rejection. Bio Fathers side are good people. They do shoot a text my way and My bio father is a very good man. He’s 83 and did his DNA to try to find me. I just know … They all share a history together. I don’t have big expectations of being an equal part of that. I lay low and will meet them in the near future. Its just something else that sucks about adoption. Do you know why she did this to you? Probably only takes 1 hater in the clan to shut us down after so many years.

    Liked by 1 person

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