I am beginning this letter not knowing what is going to come out of me. It is being written knowing that I have been deeply hurt and my life affected by your decisions. I have read numerous articles where the person who was put up for adoption professes their love and appreciation for having been put up for adoption. Obviously they don’t seem to feel or have not reacted or been affected as I have. Numerous articles I have read also show a deep and very real hurting and pain that has been thrust upon these people because of being put up for adoption. I am definitely feeling the latter of these situations.
I have not really had any real desire to find out who you were. My parents are my parents. I was told about you, the fact I was rejected and put up for adoption, as soon as I was able to understand what that was. Somewhere inside me was always a festering and without my even realizing it until everything blew up in my face. A lonely and feeling of deep loss and an unwillingness to allow many to become close to me. A fear of intimacy and an unwillingness to be helped and only fend for myself.
The day came along that I submitted paperwork to attempt to find you, thinking I should at least know something more of my medical history. And within the week I received a call from the adoption reunion registry that they had found you. I recall the flood of mixed emotions which came over me at that time. My thoughts about it tossed between happiness and confusion, scared and excited. I never expected it to happen and, now that it did, I didn’t know if I wanted it to continue.
When we met for the first time there was no rush of love or joy for you. I, instead, recall a feeling at the time I could not describe, but which I now believe to have been a reawakening of old losses and a feeling of abandonment. A feeling of you being the cause of my lack of being able to be vulnerable and after which has some to interfere in my present life and relationships.
Over the following 4 years these did fade to some degree. I got to know you a little, met your husband and my half brother and half sister. I did begin to feel a closeness and an acceptance by you. And then you called that night. I don’t even know where to start or how to begin describing the moment.
Shock, crushed, rejection, betrayal, and abandoned again.
I’m not sure what is going on. What happened? What prompted you to make that call? I will never know, but what you said to me will never be forgotten.
“I want nothing more to do with you.”
Can you even fathom how that has made me feel?
What impact that has had on my life?
Were the past 4 years just a ruse?
Why did you ever bother to agree to meet me in the first place?
Now along with dealing with the abandonment issues placed upon me when you first rejected me I have to, again, struggle to deal with and figure out the issues associated with my being abandoned twice. My fear of abandonment has interfered with my relationship with my wife. I have tended towards self defeating behaviors that sabotage my love life. Feelings of emotional detachment, difficulty feeling the affection offered by my wife, “pushing them away,” problems you have caused me, nothing but problems.
I wish we had never met or found each other. I will never understand. I don’t know how this is going to affect the rest of my life. I do know that I now more completely understand myself and what I want from my life and what I want to create with my wife and family.
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